these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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