Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry TheSmittenOwl hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.

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(716): View more from New York

Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.

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(214): View more from Texas

This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.

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