My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
