I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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