I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
