There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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