My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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