i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
