Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
