I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
