I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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