Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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