So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
