Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
