Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
