Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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