I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
