I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
