I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
