I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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