hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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