I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
