My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
