I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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