I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet