I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.