i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"