Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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