my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my shit smells like andre
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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