I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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