i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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