I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
