he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
