U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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