Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
