My Higher Power is John Stamos
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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