he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
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We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
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There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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