I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
