dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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