just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
