I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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