I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
