so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
