you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im holly from the hills drunk
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
