paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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