If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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