Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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