I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
