Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him