my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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