Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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