What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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