I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's just like the Real World with babies
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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