Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
