last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
