my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
